[a note from your friendly local dork – WELL, IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME I PUBLISHED ON HERE! It’s only been about a YEAR since the last one! The below post does reveal why that is (indirectly? IDK, it feels pretty direct and obvious…) It was originally meant for my daily photo journal on Pixelfed, but ran too long, so I put a shortened version there. The text below is (imagine a trumpet fanfare here) THE ORIGINAL!
It has been A Time, dear reader. A TIME. My body just was not done freaking out as I slowly unwind from years of trauma etc. So this stuff gets heavy. No worries! Just don’t read it if you don’t want to read my depressing story with a triumphant ending. I promise there are blog posts brewing in this mind that are much more of the puppies-and-rainbows kind of thoughts. Anyway, here goes! #TriggerWarning for weight talk, health talk, fitness talk, mention of PTSD and suicidal thoughts.]
A cheap, simple pedometer. Step count already reset in preparation for tomorrow. I bought it years ago, then promptly quit using it for the same reason I’ve petered out of exercise attempts for years. The unexplained chronic fatigue that has plagued me for more than ten years without any explanation or diagnosis.
My mental health went to shit around 2009 after hinting for several years prior that things weren’t ok. My physical health followed a few years later. I was just as unstable financially, bouncing between unable to afford medical visits and frustrated because they never found anything anyway. “All your tests came back in normal range.” Lather, rinse, repeat, give up for several years, try again, give up again.
It became clear that the diagnosis would only ever be “female, overweight, and mentally ill.” I was so active before this. HOURS of dancing and a weight room habit that I loved. I’d been thin before, and it shouldn’t have mattered!
Weight is (or should be) a mere descriptor, not a statement on character or fortitude. I’m still fucking here. I haven’t been suicidal since 2012, a testament to resilience I’m so, SO tired of bearing.
And finally. FINALLY, as 2024 draws towards its end, I’ve found – independently of the doctors I gave up on – a combination of vitamins, supplements, and tDCS that has given me back a degree of normalcy that’s already been more dramatic and longer-lasting than anything before. It was usually a burst of okay for a few days (Rarely, as long as two weeks) where I’d try to catch up on everything I couldn’t do and then poof, back to my “normal” being the choice between showering and eating because I couldn’t do both.
My body fell into a state of cardiovascular and muscular weakness because I COULDN’T exercise enough to benefit. I’d be a mess for days when I tried. But now? It’s been almost a month of “Oh my God, is this what normal feels like?” Of not being so exhausted by the middle of a Wednesday that I was weeping with exhaustion over lunch, and borrowing against next week’s spoons just to finish a work week?
About 2 years ago, I was so consistently exhausted that I needed a nap cot in my office. I had to leave a good, big-girl job because the company was too small for FMLA. I was basically bedbound for four months. So things like actually having energy after work on Friday for an activity, doing a WHOLE chore instead of having to break it into bites over several days, or using my pedometer and excitedly watching the daily number go up, up, up…
If you have never known that hell, how can I make you understand that you must never take these little things for granted?
I mean… it’s just a step counter.